16 Pieces of Good (and Bad!) Advice for Dealing with Family Disagreements
Holiday Get-Togethers Are Here—Deal with It!
Isn’t it great how the holiday season always comes right after election season!
What a fine time to break bread with family members you rarely see—except on social media, where their posts on politics, parenting, food, religion, and more make your eyes roll and your blood boil.
And how I hate those, “How to Talk to Your Ignorant Family Members During the Holidays” lists that appear this time of year. The smugnorance is just too much, and even the attempts at open mindedness often come across as insincere.
So does that make me a hypocrite for coming up with my own list? Maybe, but I’m doing it anyway.
Please enjoy/endure my list. I’ve mixed good advice with bad, so the choice is yours!
Here’s how to talk to your family members during the holidays …
Pretend to time travel 30 seconds into the future. Think about that snarky thing you want to say, imagine the fallout it will generate, then ask yourself: Is that the kind of world I want to live in?
Aim for clarity. Tell them you’re not going to try to convince them of anything, you just want to understand what’s most important to them.
Ask them to recommend an article or podcast that is a good representation of their point of view. If you’re feeling really generous, ask them to recommend a book. But remember, you’re going to have to read it! Your gesture might prompt them to ask you the same question, so be prepared with recommendations.
After everyone sits down to eat, tell your family you have an announcement to make. Then say: "I'm disgusted by the blood I carry in my veins because I'm related to you people!"
Listen without thinking of a response. Too many of us behave like the opposite of talking is waiting to talk. I once heard something like that as the punchline to an Italian joke, but it applies to many cultures. We shouldn’t feel the need to smother every bit of silence with yammering. If your aunt finishes talking and you don’t immediately blurt words back into her face, guess what she’ll think. She’ll think you’re really listening. She’ll think you’re really mulling over her thoughts—whether or not you actually are, you’ll get credit for being civilized!
Put a pebble in their shoe. Don’t try to convert anyone to your ideology, religion, exercise regime, or diet over candied yams. If you would like to partake in the subtle art of persuasion, think small. Put a pebble in their shoe. Give them something to think about later.
Listen, repeat what they say, and then ask if you’ve summarized their view correctly. People just love it when you do that. They might even want to listen to you next!
List one thing you don’t like about your favorite presidential candidate or political party.
Print out an op-ed from your favorite pundit and place copies on top of each person’s plate.
Think about how you’ve changed your mind over the years. Consider this before the sight of your uncle dipping his shrimp cocktail completely consumes you with rage. If you’ve changed your opinion on some big issue, does that mean before you changed your mind you were evil? If your uncle disagrees with you, does that make him evil? If you’ve never changed your mind, that should fill you with more angst than anything your uncle has done.
Don’t hog the table conversation with your pet issue. We’re more likely to feel threatened when all eyes are on us. So if you do want to wade into dangerous waters with a relative, do it with a generous spirit and do it one-on-one.
Ditch your buzzwords. Don’t say “groomer” unless you’re referring to someone’s dog. Don’t say “fascist” or “commie.” Don’t use any terms that were invented by sociology TAs.
Remember, nobody at the dinner table is threatening your right to exist.
Down a couple glasses of zin on an empty stomach, then corner your cousin who spouts off on social media and growl, “You know what your problem is …!” The trick is getting the right tone. Don’t go too big. Aim for Dirty Harry’s restrained intensity.
Think about how persuasion happens and how it doesn’t. Do you find blowhards, uninvited guest lecturers, and know-it-alls persuasive? Then don’t be one.
Be more like the people you like to be around. I have a friend who I disagree with on an important issue. I know where he stands, but he’s not always in my face trying to convert me to his point of view. He’s the opposite. He’s mellow, reasonable, and lives a principled life. I always look forward to seeing him. And you know what? That makes me more curious about his point of view.
Ted Balaker is a filmmaker, and former network newser and think tanker. His written work has appeared in many publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Reason, and The Washington Post.
His recent film work includes Little Pink House starring Catherine Keener and Jeanne Tripplehorn, Can We Take a Joke? featuring Gilbert Gottfried and Penn Jillette, and the new feature documentary based on the bestselling book, The Coddling of the American Mind, by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. Stream the very first “Substack Presents” feature documentary here on Substack or on Amazon Prime, Apple TV, and Google Play.
Ted and his wife/producing partner Courtney Moorehead Balaker are now making a narrative feature film based on Rob Henderson’s bestselling book Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class.
Thanks for this! Very helpful.
I think you messed up the numbering of the items. "Put a pebble in their shoe" should be 6, not 1.